This morning he texted me again. He still loves me, but he isn’t trying to make me come back. He wants a better relationship with Christ and he wants me and the kids to be taken care of financially. All he needs from me is 20 minutes of my time to explain this new business opportunity and…
Wait. Hold on. Please stop right there. Are you trying to sell me something? I am asking him as I am checking my bank account to discover he has stolen $250 from my account. What the heck.
My response to him. “I hate you.” His response. “Y”. Why? Why?!?! WHY am I finally at the point after 8 years of affairs that I hate you? You know, that is not actually such a bad question, but the better question is why? Why did I forgive you for 8 years of affairs? Why did I let you break me down so far that I felt like I didn’t know who I was without you? Why did I cover all of your expensive tastes? A new tv, a new phone, a new fancy car, a new house, then a better house. Why did I keep letting myself be emotionally abused? Because of grace. Because I am a Christian woman. Because I meant it when I said I do. Because I love the Lord who loves marriage and wanted to fight as hard as I can to make it work in my own strength. I dug this ditch until my hands bled and Jesus I am still waiting for the rain. Fill this ditch Lord Jesus, because I am still waiting for the rain!
Why do I keep praying for you? Because God loves you and He will not give up on you. He loves the man he made you to be, even if you refuse to be that man. He has seen the future and He is there now. He knows who you will become. And He gave me a foresight of what it will look like. Foolishly, I cling to the promise instead of the promiser, but I can’t anymore. I can’t pray for you anymore. Why do I hate you? Because I am human. Lord, you are God and I am not. I can not move this mountain. Lord, you move it.
Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.”
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